She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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