Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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