We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
