Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
