Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize