i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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