Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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