The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
