one two three fourrrrnication!
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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