Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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