so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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