i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
