mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My liver just had a heart attack.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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