go do what you do best...puke behind churches
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
