It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
