It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm jealous of your bromance
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
