After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
