I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
