Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
