Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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