If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
