she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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