You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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