Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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