They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
