omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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