I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
