he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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