I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
