Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
