I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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