My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
