oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
