I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's official drugs can't kill me
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
