apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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