It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
