so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
