im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he thought i was a dude.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
