He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize