a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
