Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Randomize
