I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
