i just wanna soil my oats bro
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
