are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
