Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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