she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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