The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
