take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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