So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
