Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just high enough for therapy.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
