I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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