my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
