I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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