Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
