Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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