i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
