i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
